So I have to wonder, why have I been making everything so complicated and difficult?
:) :) :)
Monday, January 11, 2010
I am back in the United States, doing practical things like working, but I am also itchy to live somewhere else, experience another culture, travel, connect to different people and place. When I am not teaching preschool, I research. Traveling, living abroad, cost of living, volunteering, earth houses, alternative medicine, and sometimes in the middle of that this other thought creeps up: finishing my BA. I have a year left, so close, but the thought of going back to school twists my stomach like two hands wringing.
Today a friend told me, "anything is possible if you follow your bliss."
In theory, I believe that. I believe lots of things. Like trusting the universe to guide me and setting intentions. I believe, with a dumb blind trust, that I am protected, guided, cherished and cradled. I think it's true that if you set intentions and let go of attachment and most of all, follow Spirit, you can have this wild and beautiful and yes, blissful, life. So why, may I ask, am I still holding the reigns and chewing my thoughts, still making lists and Possible Life Plans, still grinding thoughts between tense teeth?
It seems I have forgotten what I once learned in school. How do I bridge the theory with the practice? I know how I feel and what I believe, but how do I apply this to my life? I know I should exercise, stretch, put healthy foods into my body, chill out, etc. etc. etc. but I don't always do it. It's not very complicated. You need to know your beliefs and then practice them in your Every Day Life.
OK, I'll do it. I'll practice, and that is the word on which I want to focus. I forgive myself when I think too hard and hyperventilate, my brain so swollen with thought it pushes down through my throat and squeezes my lungs. I forgive myself for the endless papers I have kept and every time I made a choice that didn't honor my integrity, my value system, for every time I made a choice that wasn't my highest choice. I treat myself tenderly, sweetly, the way God (or the Universe, or whatever word you choose to call this life force we are all containers for and present with) would want me to. He hasn't given up yet, wandering along with me, wherever I go.
I can't tell you where I'm going or where I'll end up, but I can tell you these two feet are doing something radical. I am deep belly breaths and complete abandon, a head thrown back and a heart cracked open. I am following this wildness, my bliss.