Tuesday, May 22, 2012
I was in a relationship with someone who had the courage to be so broken. He was equal parts tight defense mechanism and baby-soft. He fell apart regularly, a tumble of shudders and tears. It was annoying, exhausting, and draining, at the time. The way he shook, opening. The shudders, the snot, the cries of a child -- the neediness drove me crazy.
It was terrifying, because it was (as everything in life is) a reflection of my self. Of my pain. There was a shock of light from the reflection, from what I saw in him that was of my self. Mostly, there was my trembling hand holding the mirror as far away as possible. I did not want to see that deep into myself. I did not want to see the shards, or the chasms.
Well here I am. A tumble of shudders and tears. Needing.
I believe that cracks let the light in, and I am so splintered.
It came to me in yoga, through tears like a fist to the throat, that I am experiencing the same kind of regressive pain that he felt. The darkness that swallowed him has its mouth over my trembling heart.
He gave me this profound gift, a gift I didn't know how to receive gratefully or gracefully, how to open.
But I am open now. Ha ha ha.
Another circle closed. Another mystery solved. And more questions, tumbling.
What to do now, with this new punch of broken feeling?
I guess the usual tricks: breath, gentleness, gratitude.
Today I am thankful for all of my teachers, thankful for the gifts.
I am thinking of how many I have that I don't know about yet, how many are waiting to be opened.